WHO IS GOING TO SAVE ME NOW?

תוצאת תמונה עבור ‪death fear‬‏

All I can hear is the hollow tick-tock of the clock.

The same white closet, the same practical white table, the same fucking white walls.

I don’t want to go back to normal. I want to get out of this sealed room and fly away. Out of this town, out of this country, out of this planet.

My grandmother have passed away on June 10th 2017.

I wish I could say she had been the light in my life, the fuel to keep me going, the float to keep me from sinking. I wish I could say she was perfect.

But, obviously, she wasn’t. No one is.

My grandmother was the most tactless, dogmatic, judgemental, and lonely person that I had ever known. When she had laid her eyes upon something she wanted, you could be sure that she’d get it.

We were as different as it got.

And I have loved her, truly.

My grandmother had been my shield. My defender. She had always been there to protect me from the dark, save me from the horrors lurking in the night.

My anchor. My safe haven, where nothing ever changes, where everyone is welcomed. Where there is always food and a made bed. Where everyone is taken care of.

My grandmother was the bravest, strongest, most domestic person that I had ever known. She was the kind of person that would succor her sick husband for 6 years, to the final second, without catching her breath. That would take care of her little brother, which was only 6 years younger than her,  when they had no one else. That would still mourn his death, 50 years later, and die on the exact same day as he did.

When a fruit falls off a tree, the others lose their balance. Some more than others. And it takes time and effort to learn the new order of things, learn how to balance yourself once again.

A week before her death my fear of snakes has returned, in its mightiest. I’ve started seeing them everywhere. 3 weeks later, I’m starting to figure it out. Calm down.

If there is one thing that I have learned from the past few weeks, though, it’s that I can’t go back to normal. Normal is boring and exhausting and never changes. I’ve got to stop waiting for life to come find me, I’ve got to stop being passive, and dare to feel, dare to open up to other people. I don’t want to live in fear, and I don’t want to die lonely. I want to live. Just live.

FUCK.

 

 

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