“I’m not sure whether it had been really noisy or completely silent”, I used to tell my mother everyday I came back from preschool.
I remember the feeling in my mind. I’d never encountered so much noise before in my life, and unfortunately for me, the worst had yet to come. But the noise was so loud, that I couldn’t hear anything at all. It was as if I were standing in the midst of a storm, and everything was perfectly still. The noise was so loud that it became just… nothing.
That’s when I’ve discovered the thin line between silence and noise. And that’s when I’ve learnt to live with the silence. Silence that surrounds me like a halo, following me wherever I go. Protecting me from the silence of the outside world.
I’ve grown to love and trust my silence, and resent those who break it. Because the silence of the outside world is so unbearably paralyzing, and my halo abundant and bullet-proof.
Within the borders of my silence I could be anything and everywhere. I could be sitting on a rocking chair in front of the warm fireplace, or running naked through a meadow. I could be a dolphin, exploring the depths, or a bird, sailing through the sky.
But there is one thing my silence could never fulfill. My silence could never break the loneliness. You see, within the borders of my silence I’m alone. Isolated. My silence have grown walls so mighty, that it’s getting harder and harder to get in. or out.
Loneliness is scary. Full of silence, or rather, noise.
As the years have passed I’ve learned to keep it all inside. Silence myself and keep on going. But the walls are starting to crack under the pressure. And it’s even more terrifying than the loneliness, but I couldn’t go on like that forever.
Avoidance is not coping. Sometimes you’ve just got to man up and face up to your problems, your fears. For me, it’s my emotions. They are so messy, so noisy, that I can’t listen to any of them. I’m in the midst of the storm, and everything is perfectly still.
Silence is a beautiful thing. A beast that cannot be tamed. It can creep through the tiniest of holes, unnoticed, and suddenly fill up the room with noise. It can break cities and win wars. It is a compound of all emotions, like white is a compound of all colors. It is a swirl of fear and passion and rapture. A stormy sea and a peaceful sky. Silence is the language of the divine.